i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
