take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
