Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
home. puking in laundry basket.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
