There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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