cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
