are you still at the devil's house?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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