It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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