Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
