I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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