You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
