I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
