I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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