Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
