broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
