im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
