I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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