It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You need Xanax blowdarts
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
