the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
