totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
