My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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