I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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