i drank out of a bidet.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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