So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
someone owes me an orgasm
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
