Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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