I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
