I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
