SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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