I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
