i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
