Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
