Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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