Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
