I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
