i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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