Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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