Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't deserve a penis
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
