The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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