Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so explain again why im purple
no
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
