I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
