just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
