She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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