There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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