cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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