Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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