Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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