upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
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This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?