is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!