take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sober January is a disaster.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
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Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up