i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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