My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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