I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
