Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
