Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
