i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
