you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
