I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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