I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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